2 More Poems about Generalized Anxiety Disorder (c) David L O’Nan (also in Headline Poetry & Press)

General Anxiety #1

Welcome to your new heel
It is open for you to explore
Sit here in shouts
Stand there in silence
Dodging bullets from an invisible force
Or will it to be an illness
Eating away the grit on my bones
I struggle when I pray
Can I defeat a demon?
When its teasing me
to submit me to its prison
I feel the blink is the only time
I can ride away
Anxiety
Don’t let the ground take me to its mudholes
To struggle to pull,
To push me to the surface
Don’t let me get stuck as non-existent

 

General Anxiety #2

Anxiety in the general form
provides worries and,
also don’t cares.
You are a rebel as well
as the child hiding from stares
and conversations…
not only tear up when sensitive,
but also feel the ripping within your skin.
Nerves that are erratic
and spin dancing into your pores…
trying not to drown
in your moments of incompetence.
You can be treated like a numb brain
depleted of all thought…
sometimes your words and grammar,
or dialect are not as artistic as how you feel.
“Look at me…
I’m the goof child of a scarecrow and a
rainstorm ”
you may feel like you are an ego
in the clear egg shell
Screaming for help to break me through.
Embarrassed?
Or how it has always been.
Until the next thought brings you
to that of an evergreen field
cast blindly in beauty by the sunset…
erecting safe shadows onto the roads.
Even gravel is smooth
when your mind is reshaped
from danger back to acceptance.1935333_177826039539_6732903_n

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: The Shadow That Rests Inside My Skeleton w/poem Anxiety Dances (c) David L O’Nan(also on Headline Poetry & Press)

So, yeah I’ve got Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It is something that is an everyday battle between all possible anxiety one can have at any given point.

With this post I would like to begin to share some of my poetry writings. I have written about Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD for short).

Every day is a new adventure. Will today be depression, calmness, fun, claustrophobic ending in several panic attacks, OCD, Overwhelming leading to embarrassing anger spurts, crying from the smallest memories entering my head? The feeling of loss at all times, disappointments, always trying to make good on something you might have done when younger, and always looking for apologies or apologizing yourself. Looking for acceptance, then being a loner, wanting someone around to comfort you, then feeling like an alien.
I am in constant fear. Fear those I love are going to get hurt at any given moment. The scenarios constantly play in your head.
So, i’m guessing no one would be surprised that I’ve had numerous “small to rather serious nervous breakdowns” throughout the years.

I’ve had these moments since I was a child, I would try to mask away all of the fears and emotions with overindulging, overcompensated, overanalyzing, just overdoing it!
There has been breaking moments as a child (when I realized that everyone eventually dies), at 18 when I lost my last 2 grandparents, and then subsequently leaving College after only a couple of months.
There have been moments at 24/25, 29 after a dramatic episode that left me with PTSD in which I was taken advantage of, harassed, and forced by threats of violence by an unbalanced woman.
Again, in my early 30’s adjusting to not living alone after 12 years of doing so when I got married.
Then the fears of becoming a father, and learning to be a good husband.
At 36 I lost my father to ALS, My body was numb for months for long periods of time. I fell into some old habits, and had to re-evaluate how to be a human again.
Then just recently in the last few weeks at 39. The seasonal depression, the overbearing Social Anxiety that has gotten worse as of late, the memories of my father, financial worries, possible pending medical dilemmas have broken my mind once again. The holiday season is a hard one to digest, my father’s birthday is in December, I lost him on Christmas night 3 years ago.

So in the moments I can escape to watch my children smile, look at my beautiful wife, watch a wrestling match or basketball game, listen to some Comedy Podcasts, and of course writing. These are what I life for when everything else feels like an everyday prison hovering over your bones.

ANXIETY DANCES

Riding blind like a trapped voice
Stuck to the corners –
of the echoed walls
The Blue waves of light-
travels through my visual acuity
Swallowing all the memories,
what was easy?
I cannot forget however –
the ripping of my flesh,

Like night over day
To reveal anxiety dances –
on the nerve pores
I can remember
everything that you wish –
I’d lose

silhouette of man standing inside structure

photo by Rene Bohmer

Poetry published in Fevers of Mind Poetry Digest- Available on Amazon/Kindle

Megha's World

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So thrilled to be part of the  Fevers of the Mind Poetry Digest 2 curated by David O Lan.I’m so excited to be a great company of writers.

Some themes for Issue 2 include: In Memorium of a lost loved one or friend. Anxiety as always. Mental Health as always. Poetry inspired by songs of Leonard Cohen, Townes Van Zandt, or poetry by Sylvia Plath or Anne Sexton, Summer Storms, Poets with Aspergers could be featured, Short stories on drifters, lost, childhood memories, PTSD, life in your city or town.  Black and White Photography, or retro photography is also wanted.

It features interviews with Brett Siler of Rebore Records, Jessie Lynn McMains Poetry/Editor at Bone & Ink Press, Poetry by Matthew M C Smith, Brunette Glassco, Judge Santiago Burdon, Rachael Ikins, Justin Karcher, Helena Fools, Jackie Chou, Christopher Osswald, Amanda “Enola” Reeves, Amanda McLeod, Neel Trivedi, Paul Robert Mullen…

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Poetry published in the “Fevers of Mind and Poetry Digest Issue 1” by David L O’Nan

Megha's World

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I’m thrilled to have three of my poems featured in the Fevers of Mind and Poetry Digest curated by David L O’ Nan.  

The digest is Poetry, Short Stories, Interviews, Art, Photography with interweaving moods of humor, anxiety, happiness, love, sadness, mental health awareness, hope, faith. Many creative poets, artists, photographers, lyricists in each issue. The 1st issue includes interviews with Paul Gilmartin of Mental Illness Happy Hour, Aaron Tanner of Melodic Virtue Books, and Kentucky Poet Legend Ron Whitehead.

Issue 1 of Fevers of the Mind Poetry & Art Digest is out on Paperback at amzn.to/2Xo3aAi and on Kindle at amzn.to/2wyn0Nn

Happy blogging!

Megha Sood

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